Something bigger is happening here.

The good news about feeling crummy on this beautiful day is that I got to read more of Velvet Elvis. I found this passage particularly striking because I know this feeling that Bell is talking about. That exhilarating, refreshing moment where you feel so high and so right with the world. I have felt it at concerts, at a mountain top in Panama overlooking a waterfall, at a rush of green mountains and valleys in Ireland last summer, at a parking lot in Saluda crying my eyes out thinking that I couldn't bear living in my own mind, and just last weekend when I put Mayson to sleep beside me and heard her little baby breaths. Even just talking about it makes my eyes burn a little! (Sap.) It's not all just the scenery or people that create this wave of ecstasy. It's knowing where it all came from and knowing that you've got something special, something that is all powerful, all forgiving, and all loving even when you aren't those things.

When I wake up in the morning I lounge for about 5-10 minutes then I get in the shower. When I'm in the shower, I pray. Mostly I pray for other people, Mama, my beloved, my family, my friends. Then I pray that I will have a good day, that I'll be kind, and that I will pick the right choice, His way instead of my way. I'm sure you know what I mean. Whenever I am affected by something, anything from turning left to head to school to how I'm going to handle people that can get under my skin, I have a choice on how to handle it. It's either going to be my way (and my way usually involves some cussing and rolling on the ground in a tantrum fit...not really, I embellish...a little) or God's way. Which is comforting, it's mellow, it's accepting and tolerant. It's the attributes I strive to maintain.

I also pray on the way to school, and selfishly, it's usually for a good parking spot.

That's one of my favorite things about serving such an incredible God; He gives you indelible moments to remind you that it's all connected, that He is always there and doesn't just "show up" when you need Him. The land, the creatures, the people, and the experiences that make you, the "truth" as Rob Bell describes it are all strategically placed for you to experience Him. As a Christian, I know I am supposed to speak out the word of God to nonbelievers, and frankly, it's something that I don't do. It seems very personal to me and I don't know how to go about it. In the past, I've suggested or let friends read Blue Like Jazz. Don Miller should probably send me a thank you card for how many copies I've purchased over the years. But he tells a better story than I do. If I did share about my belief, I would speak of those said pivotal moments of crying, of seeing beauty, of hearing life. It makes worldly things look so trivial and it allows you to let yourself go in to something that you want to consume you, even if you aren't sure what it is. It's impulsive, it's scary, but it's something worth living for.

Going to take my philosophizing to the sculpture room now to work on a stomach...

But I leave you with a picture of the fat boy:

Necessary Rainy Sunday

This past week was exhausting. I've been in a terrible routine of staying up late working on my sculpture and therefore have been having such a hard time sleeping or waking up. Now that it's finished I plan on being in bed at my usual time of 9. The finished piece did not turn out 100% how I imagined so I'm a little bummed that it's not perfect. To give myself some credit, I usually feel that way about any piece I do. The good news is that I can always go back and make it better.

My Granny Irby isn't expected to live much longer. She's 98 and has been in a nursing home for a few years. Last weekend they predicted Wednesday but she's still going strong, eating ice cream. Which I think would be a pretty great way to pass: Lying comfortably in bed eating ice cream with your children and grandchildren around you. When I was little, I remember going to her house with my Meme' and cousins. She lived in a trailer next to my great Aunt Diane's out in the country. We used to color in coloring books and play Uno. She didn't have the normal crayola size crayons, she had the bigger ones that were thick and impossible to break. You could competition color with those things. Her house was warm and it always seemed like it rained when we were there. I don't remember too much about her personality, but I do remember there being a lot of laughter in that trailer.

Saturday morning I went to the hometown for an online baby shower for cousin Jaime in CO. We sent all the gifts to her mom's house so Jaime came over and, "Surprise!" there we were on the computer and her gifts wrapped in the room.

Later at lunch, Aunt J said, "So, you think you'll be getting a ring and a baby next? It's about time." So I poured tea all over her head and walked out of the restaraunt.

Not really. But in my Ally McBeal mind I did.

Still Searching

Daniel and I visited another church this Sunday, a Presbyterian this time. The church folks were oh so friendly, the pastor invited us to Santa Fe for lunch. Which would have been extremely awkward. He said, "Don't book out of here! Stick around and think about it!" So what did we do? Booked it out of there and had leftovers for lunch.

I've learned that finding a church is not easy. It would be fine to choose somewhere that made me content, but I'm looking for a little more than that. Daniel says I'm looking for the perfect place with the perfect people and the perfect message and it just doesn't exist. He might be the realist but I'm willing to try out a different church every Sunday until I find one that meets my needs. I also do not believe there is such a thing as the perfect anything. However, I'm hoping and praying to find a church that still uses a hymnal, has people around my age that meet during the week, and preaches a message that isn't redundant of the scripture that's read before the message. Maybe a contemporary sermon in a traditional service. Something like that.

The past weekend

My darling Cate came to visit and I got to have lunch with Ziva, Mama, and Darron. Look at me fulfilling resolutions.

Well I never thought I'd be back here again

I visited Winthrop today to gather more information about their m.f.a program. It didn't go so well. I guess some places will always have haunting memories I'd prefer to forget. Some might say if you change your view about it, try to look at it with a fresh pair of eyes it may change your opinion. I tried to do that today, but once I hit that familiar route my stomach ached and my hands trembled. I guess my mind wanted to forget but my body could not.

As Em says, it's just research. There's more data to be obtained.

A new year

This is the third time in my life I've posted a blog. Interestingly, the previous two were from 2010 and 2011, and now 2012. It is my goal to be more commited to my blog baby. In the past I've tried to keep up with a blog, a journal, and sketchbooks so I fell short in the technology department. A pencil and a novel will always outweigh a keypad and a kindle for me. However, now that I have a handy dandy smart phone with a blogger app, I vow to be the best blogger I can be.

2012 has already proven that it will be an unexpected, surprising ride. After a series of events, much prayer, and the counsel of people I love and respect, I am no longer an M.A.T graduate student. This is a good thing. The open door is limitless. It is, at times, frightening but overall I know I am in good hands and a better plan awaits for me. It could be great.

Last year I followed a resolution and in turn wonderful things happened. The new list will hopefully hold the same power. Friends, I'll be needing your support! I wanted to add "learn how to play piano, stop watching tv, and become a vegetarian" but those are not goals I am 100% on just yet; I had dinner at Shealy's last night and the pulley bones were delicious. Everything in it's own time.