Survival

After my students pressured me in to reading (and one actually bringing me the book) The Hunger Games, I've been contemplating survival. Not like the kind in the book where you kill someone with a bow and arrow or by stinging them with tracker jackers. The kind of survival I've been thinking about is more of an emotional survival; how to deal.

In my favorite role, Jimmy Stewart said, "Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world Elwood, you must be"- she always called me Elwood- "In this world Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me."

I think that in this life you must be at least two things: faithful and resilient. Maybe it's because of the things that have gone in my life during the last few months but my perception has changed. How I view people, how I view and make my art, how I handle the unexpected. Almost every day is unknowing and instead of fighting it and being worried, I've fallen into what may happen. It's a beautiful way to be and it's the only way to "survive" in this world.

Regarding people, I've trying to make myself more personable. I've always wanted to be more like my mother who never meets a stranger and has a genuine, kind heart. I fear I'm more like my father though. That being said, I am and have been making efforts to speak to people, to know their lives, more than I usually would. You know that feeling you get when you're pumping gas or waiting in line at the grocery store and a stranger makes small talk that isn't forced? I aspire to be that random person.

Regarding art, I've really tried to stop comparing myself to other people and to stop beating myself up. This is hard to do. When I take all the pressure from the modern world (criticism, getting in to an m.f.a program, expectations from others) out of it, it simply boils down to using what God's blessed me with and doing it because I love it. The fact that he gave me something to love that uses my own two hands makes me feel very carpenter-like and nearer to how a human was intended to be. I'm by no means the best, it's a work in progress. But taking a shower at night and watching dirt and grit flow into the drain is proof that I was productive, I had something to show for the day. How many people can say that?

I judge most musicians according to their lyrics. There's nothing better than a line that resonates with you. There's a Nic Cowan song I've been obsessed with called "Reno". In it he says, "What is it that drives you to create? I said I never had the choice to make. It chose me long before I made it here, it's what I feel."