Up and Down and Up and Down and...

Hard to believe this school year is winding down.  Wow- almost finished with my first year of MFA.  Whew!  Unfortunately I'm not there yet which means I'm in the high stress zone for the next two and a half weeks. 

This week has been a tough one.  Long days, late nights, early mornings.  We are having open studios this week.  At eight thirty we congregate in the hallway and on break (not really...usually when Dave says, "Poof!") we all head in different directions to four other students' studios.  Within an hour each of the four will have other grads and faculty walk in and out while we talk about the work.  It's not meant to be stressful but it certainly becomes so.  It's not enough time to really spend one on one with anybody and you end up having to repeat your whole speech a couple times.  The whole thing feels very uncomfortable to me and since I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it half the time, it's difficult to defend or discuss it.  Process??  I think that's it??!  It would be nice to have the whole day for anyone to come in whenever they wanted that way you aren't prepared for a speech and you can continue to work.  While I'm working, I'm constantly thinking.  So whatever I said this morning becomes totally different by the end of the day.  

My feedback always feels to me like no one knows what my purpose for doing what I'm doing is or what I'm trying to say.  And honestly, I never can seem to narrow that down until something just clicks for me or I write and write and write about it.  It does get a little awkward after I've talked and there is silence.  I've learned that silence is not usually a good thing.  Not getting a response right away puts me on edge because I know I haven't delivered well.

I've had to drive to Anderson for supplies multiple times already this week.  You wouldn't believe how hard it was to find a good sewing machine under a hundred bucks.  I'm tight on money so that's also stressing me out.  This morning my laptop battery died for good (of course, right before open studio) so I had to go get the one Chris has so I could write a paper- the one I'm working on right now, interrupted by a blog break of course.  Then, after visiting two thrift stores, I went to the hospital in search of baby blankets.  You know the ones they give out that are white with the little pink and blue stripes?  After buzzing my way in the locked entrance, busting through a vaulted door, and getting inspected with a laser and FBI agent who got my fingerprints, I finally made it to labor and delivery.  I rang a door bell and ended up in the room with the little babies.  The woman in there must have thought I was some kind of threat because she kept looking at me wide-eyed and every move I made she did the same, matching me every leg shift.  Needless to say I did not get the blankets.  Or a baby.

When I've reached my limit and I need to cry, I go somewhere and do a bad thing.  That bad thing is getting in line at the nearest drive-thru.  Something about fast food makes me feel a little better.  I think it's the grease.  I sped into Chick Filet on two wheels, desperately in need of some Christian chicken and a sweet tea.  Short on money, I got the largest nugget count kids meal they had (six).  When I got to the window it was the girl's pleasure to hand me my food and inform me that the lady in front of me paid for my meal and told me to have a blessed day.

Of course I cried.  After feeling negative and rotten for three days, I've lost perspective.  I had forgotten that someone was looking out for me and I needed a swift kick of grace to recognize that.  And things got even better once I got an email saying that my campus parking ticket got changed to a warning.  

Spring Break

It is hard to believe that spring break has come and gone.  I used the time to pick up a couple extra shifts at work and to mostly work on wedding stuff.  Here are some highlights from last week:

I may have mentioned this before but when I go home, I eagerly await flipping the pages of the Saluda Standard Sentinel.  My favorite part to read is the little trivia pieces that are used to fill in the blank spots.  You can imagine my excitement when I saw that one was right under our engagement announcement.

My old church had a shower for me.  It was very nice.  I got a lot of good gifts and got to eat (and take home!) a seven layer chocolate cake and a coconut cake.  My favorite.  

It is always a blessing to get to see this girl.  This is my best friend all throughout school.  People used to call us "Crums and Ham" (Cromley and Hammond).  Crums lives near Columbia and works at a dermatologist office in Lexington so I don't get to see her that much.  It feels a little surreal that I saw her at my wedding shower.  This is one of the things I'm most excited about for the wedding event, getting to be around a big group of good people that I don't get to see enough.

I crossed the South Carolina, Georgia line to spend a shopping day with Mama.  What a long day.  Six or seven hours passed looking for wedding stuff and I was about done for.  I can shop with the best of them but after about the third antique store, my back hurt and I could no longer form words.  We went back to her house and spent five minutes ordering about a dozen things online.  That's more like it.  I don't even have to put on real clothes to do that.

Because of the shower I didn't get to go to service that week.  Stigall kept telling me I needed to listen to it on the podcast (which they don't usually put up until Wednesday).  I noticed on instagram that some church people I follow were putting up pictures of "their flowers, #holyeverafter" so I figured it must have been a lesson geared toward the men.  When I questioned Stigall about all these Newspringer's with flowers and where were mine, he was quick to say that he was already getting them and that I'd ruined the surprise.  I have a tendency to that that kind of thing (you know, be an ass sometimes).  I did end up getting my flowers, along with a sweet note and a couple of my other favorite things, a big blue gatorade and a fun pack of fudge striped cookies (with another surprise note inside).  

We took the bonehead to the dog park nearby.  That's Stigall feeding him popcorn, one of his favorite snacks.

Cedar loves stirring up two things: mud and trouble.  Every time we go to the park, there is a continuous creek formed from rain water left over from last summer.  I'm not kidding, it never dries up.  Here he is lying in the small pond of water.  He tries to be the ring leader and lead the dogs into the water (or in to temptation as we like to say) so the owners can get mad at him.  And us.  It's pretty funny.

These went out.

Had a chance to catch up with McAbee.  We discussed art stuff and gossiped a little (okay, maybe a lot).  He was running late so I was forced to buy this big piece of cake to busy myself while I waited.

Cedar and Stigall spent an afternoon napping and lying around while I drudged through art theory, trying to get back in to the swing of things.  That bonehead is breaking the rules by being on the couch. Stigall, not Cedar.

I've got six weeks left in the semester.  At the end of it, I've made a vow to myself that I will get in shape.  Whether that is running or going to the gym, or not eating a bowl of popcorn and m&m's every other night.

Getting Your Picture Taken is Awkward

Stigall and I had a big day yesterday.  After our first premarital financial counseling at church in the morning, we made the long drive to S-town.  Aunt Jules is a great photographer so she offered to do some engagement photos for us.  This is pure torture for both of us since we don't like getting our picture taken.  Stigall doesn't mind it as much, especially if he doesn't have to be serious about it.  I, however, loathe it entirely.  I grew up with my mom taking pictures of everything I ever did.  Every first day of school, every day I drove when I turned 15, every time I wore a dress, every time I blew my nose.  Unfortunately with smart phones, her obsession with capturing every little thing has gotten worse.  Yesterday she took pictures while I was explaining what cake flavor we wanted.  It also makes it harder when you're being told to pose lovingly in an unnatural position and in an environment that you would never act like that in.  At one point Jules said, "You act like you don't want to be doing this!" to which we immediately responded, "We don't!  Mama is making us!"  

All that to say, the ones Stigall and I liked the best are the ones where we were making phone of the cliche engagement photos or were talking about how uncomfortable we were.  Here are our favorites:

"You are free to create the worst junk in the world"

This semester I've determined to be nicer to myself when it comes to my art practice.  Yes, I do not spend every waking second in my studio, I do not lose sleep over things I "should" be doing.  I'm easing up on myself because I have a job, a small group, church, a dog, and a fiance.  These aren't excuses for why I'm not letting grad school consume and overwhelm me, they are parts of my reality.  My reality is what the content of my work is about, as I try to understand and convey it. Without these things, perhaps there wouldn't be any sculpture at all!

When classes started, one of my seminar professors suggested reading Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg as an inspiring read discussing writer's block.  I was hesitant at first, thinking it might be more dreaded art theory kind of stuff.  But no, this book was clear, honest, helpful, and enjoyable.  Relief!  

While the book is about writing, if you switch out writing with creating, it is still application to art making.  Here are some excerpts I connected with:

"It takes a while for our experience to sift through our consciousness.  For instance, is is hard to write about being in love in the midst of a mad love affair.  We have no perspective.  All we can say is, 'I'm madly in love,' over and over again...Our senses by themselves are dumb.  They take in experience, but they need the richness of sifting for a while through our consciousness and through our whole bodies...Our bodies are garbage heaps: we collect experience."

"There was an article in the newspaper several years ago about a yogi in India who ate a car.  not all at once, but slowly over a year's time.  I told this to a group of third-graders in Minnesota.  One student looked at me and burst in to tremendous laughter.  Right from the beginning there was no logic in it.  It is absurd...In a sense, this is how we should [create].  Not asking 'Why?,' not delicately picking among candies, but voraciously, letting our minds eat up everything and spewing it out with great energy.  We shouldn't think, 'This is a good subject for [creating].'  [Creating] is everything, unconditional.  There is no separation between [creating], life, and the mind.  If you think big enough to let people eat cars, you will be able to see that ants are elephants and men are women.  you will be able to see the transparency of all forms so that all separations disappear."

She makes several great points that are so applicable to any sort of creating.  She is redundant about "just doing it" when it comes to her writing.  My problem is that I heehaw around because I worry my ideas are foolish and are not what the faculty wants me to do.  I'm starting to get over that and instead to consider the notion to just create.  Who cares what they think?  This is my time, my MFA degree.  So I should just do it.  

Holiday adventures and, oh yeah, I'm engaged!

Such a long time without a new post!

So many wonderful things have happened and I've been on the road a lot this month.  The most exciting and an important thing that's happened to me is I got engaged! I'll put it in chronological order, so we will get to that.

School ended well and I'm excited that I got through my first semester.  I did not necessarily love it but I learned some new stuff and worked with new material.  I'm not especially proud of any of it which is why I'm not posting pictures.  I hope that by the end of next year, or this coming semester, I will be able to compare it to newer work that I am proud and excited about.  Classes start tomorrow and, in all honesty, I'm not looking forward to it.  Something about the school institution and the demand to produce sucks the creativity and desire out of me.  It doesn't help that I'm still having a hard time driving myself to create work without an agenda given to me.  It feels like I've lost everything I once knew when it came to making art and now it's a requirement that feels forced and contrived.  Or perhaps it is because I have so many things in my personal life to look forward to that it just seems dull in comparison.  Like Harry Burns said, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Once school got out, Aunt Juls and I drove to Virginia to see my other Aunt Leezal.  It was a pretty long drive and Cedar was with us.  He needed to be close to me so he spent most of the time with his head on the center console and his behind up in the air on the back seat.  

 We only stayed a couple days but it was nice to see my aunt and uncle and to see the town of Fredericksburg.  It's an interesting little place with a cool downtown and about thirty or more antique shops.  We also went to a neat little local store that had antiques as well as items made by locals such as jewelry, art, etc.  They had a guy playing guitar and free popcorn when we went.

 Lukey and my old roommate Stella.

 We crossed Virginia to Maryland on this giant bridge a couple times.  My fear of heights has never been so heightened.  See what I did there?

 Santa and free hot cider.

 Once we made it back to South Carolina, Stigall and I started our own road trip.  We stopped to see my Papa and Dad in McCormick first.  I think Papa was secretly ecstatic that I brought a boy with me, as he is always asking me when I am getting married.  After that, we headed to Saluda to have dinner with Benable at the Huddle House.  I'm not sure if I have mentioned this before, but I'm a huge fan of the huddle.  I have fond memories of the place with family and friends and I've never gotten anything there that I didn't like.  Benable and I always end up at a local place for lunch or at the huddle house.  During the summer, when we were in high school,  we would hang out at the library, get coffee at the Caper House, and sit at the bar and eat at the Huddle while our friend Latrina did the dishes there.  It was a fun time.

It was good to see him.  He has been in Michigan for the last three years.  He just graduated from University of Michigan Law School and will finally have a chance to breathe and rest for a little while.

 Finally, that night we made it to Georgia to stay with my mom for a couple days.  We had Christmas Eve dinner back in Saluda with the family and Christmas day with Mama and Bryan.  Our Christmas Eve is a huge deal and if you don't make it you are sure to be gossiped about like the black sheep you will become.  Stigall wasn't familiar with the amount of children running around and wrapping paper being flung in the air as the little ones opened their gifts.  It's exciting to watch and to be a part of.

 I also had a birthday during our adventure.  It's not a birthday (or Christmas) unless my mom wears her robe in the picture above.  It's the robe she brought me home from the hospital in and a staple for being home for the holidays.

 Bryan picked out a delicious chocolate truffle cake for my birthday and Mama made one of my favorite meals of hers, hot dogs and coleslaw. Keeping the Christmas tradition alive, we also watched The Silence of the Lambs.  

On the road again.  After a couple days in Georgia, we headed back to our homes and left for Ohio that next morning.

 There we are, not an hour in, feeling good (and looking fresh).  Stigall drove the whole way.  The gps got us all turned around and we ended up being on the road for 12 hours or more.  It was a beautiful ride but a very long one.

Here's a clip of when we drove through the mountains of Tennessee:

Cincinnati

Ohio!

We stayed with Stigall's grandparents.  The peak of that was good, delicious food.  The pit was that is stayed on seventy eight degrees in the house.  The picture above is of the large field behind their house.  

Stigall and I decided to walk the property back there.  I won't go in to all the details because those are mine to cherish, but that is where he got down on one knee.

Proof!

There was a lot of smiling, excitement, a few tears, and a long, heartfelt prayer.  I realize how insane it sounds to be engaged two months and two days after dating someone.  But what they say is true: when you know, you know.  It's not just a gut feeling either; I have never doubted for a moment that this is the man God wants me to start a life with.  I'll spare you the gushy mushy details, but it is secure, it is good, and I cannot wait to start and spend a life with Stigall.

Most of my family got the news from the picture of the ring or through facetime.  You can't tell in the picture above, but Aunt Jewls is at the bottom left.  I think most of my family are still in shock (and relief) that I am finally getting married.  And so soon!  I told them when we first started dating that this is the man I'm going to marry and I know that it will be soon.  It's kind of crazy how God moves and spreads His will through our lives.  When I called my friend Cam, she said that she knew it was going to happen because while she was praying one night, she felt God tell her that I would be getting married soon.  She had told her mom the day before that she wouldn't be surprised if it happened around Christmas. She gave me encouraging words and said she knew not to worry or question it because it is good.  And because she knows, like everyone else does that knows him, that Stigall has a heart for Jesus. 

As soon as I got the ring, I kept sending obnoxious pictures of it to my aunts and mom.  

First time being engaged shopping at TJ Maxx!

First time eating spaghetti engaged!

First time making guacamole engaged!

He didn't really. But this is funny.

The first family photo while engaged!  Cedar stayed at a kennel while we were in Ohio.  We were tempted to call up there and ask to have him put on the phone so he could hear the good news.

By New Year's Eve we were spent from all the traveling.  However, we did decide that it would be worth the trip to Greenville to eat dinner at Bacon Brothers with the McAbees.  The girls sat on one end while the boys sat on the other, competing to see whose mustache was the best, I suppose.

December 1st 2013

Today was a big day: Cedar's first birthday and my baptism.  (Also my friend Brandt and Aunt Julie's birthdays!)

The plan was to have a party for Cedar at the dog park.  The poor bo got sick on Thursday and had to go to the vet yesterday morning.  He's got kennel cough (the dog version of bronchitis) and has been pretty sluggish.  He's contagious so he has to stay home for the next week and finish his antibiotics.  The party will be postponed.

 I've been wrestling with baptism for about a year.  I think I talked about it in a post earlier this year.  I was sprinkled as a baby but changed churches and knew that immersion was the next step for me.  If we are called to be Christ-like then it's the way to go.  I'm glad I waited as long as I did because I don't think I truly understand what that meant until recently.  The profession of faith and the purifying of sins is huge but publicly announcing your decision to follow and strive to be like Jesus is the part that I like the best about baptism.  I know that I'm at a good church and have good relationships that will keep me accountable in doing that.  

Side note, there's just no way to keep your composure and look cool when you're wet.  Especially when you're a short haired girl with a flat, pea head.

I have been looking forward to seeing these people for days.  It is a privilege and a blessing to love them.

Today was one of the best days.