I'm bitter. I've been assessing my student loans and am crushed by the overwhelming debt. At 17, trying to choose a college and "e-signing" agreements of how I was going to pay for it, no one clearly stated to me what a loan looked like, what interest was, or whether or not I was capable enough to understand that even though college is a fun experience, it comes with a price.
I guess you could call me a quitter and a cynic. While I obtained my undergraduate degree, I found that since I couldn't get a job I might as well go to graduate school. I tried that and quit it. Twice. People were disappointed but no one could understand the disappointment and frustration more than me. Perhaps I chose the wrong degree, the wrong place. I loved art and assumed that was the path for me because I wasn't good at or didn't have an interest in anything else. It's funny, because now what I was once passionate about I want nothing to do with.
I spent the last year making terrible art and hating every minute of graduate school- is that really God's best for me? It can't be! I'm 26 and I still don't know "what I want to be" and every time I apply for a job, it sounds promising, I get an interview (sometimes two!), and yet there's no follow through. Now the only "career" I know is how to be a professional student with a part time proficiency in waitressing.
I can see God's plan for me in my failures though. Without some of those experiences, I might never have known things about myself and it was all a route to get me where He wants me. I still think I'm getting there and I'm so thankful that His plans supersedes those of the world, but underneath of all His glory, I still feel like a fool.
Why didn't I pray about college? Why didn't I ask God back then to send me where HE wanted- to use me for His good- with our without my attendance at a small university? I'm so quick to blame Him for putting me in this entrapment of debt without a means to pay it back but really, the only person I can blame is myself. He's the only source that can make it better and I'm the one who made the decisions I did. He is the solution, I have been the problem. If I had had enough faith back then to trust Him, then the last ten years might have looked a little different. If I had had someone wise enough, and with enough faith, to invest in me and get real with me about life- not just the four years that seemed like the rest of my life- I could have made better decisions. If that sounds like a total blow to the people who did advise me and whose words were sincere in wanting the best for me, I don't mean it to. Advice is usually given out of love and is often based around that person's own experience. I am thankful for it. However, I wish I would have listened and then been bold enough to pray and trust what God wanted me to do- He who is that "someone" who is wise and faithful.
I have the chance to do that now. I have no real plan for my life or what I want to do with it. Most days, that's okay. The thing that encourages me to get there is that moment when I've gone home and the Father says, "Well done." The difference between now and the last decade is that I'm trusting Him. I don't know how I will pay off my loans, I don't know what I will do to make money, and I'm yet to know what burdens me enough to take action. But if I excel at the opportunities He presents me with and I am successful with what He has laid before me, there's no fear or worry. I don't have a right to put a monetary value on furthering His Kingdom- in whatever way that is. He is calling the shots and no matter how ridiculous or scary the things He wants me to do are, obedience will be blessed.
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