Feelings surfaced and disappointment

Sometimes emotions are just too hellacious and that's why I don't deal with them.  I prefer to say nope when they come up and busy myself with something else.  Like listening to music when I run or doing crosswords or watching old Steve Martin SNL clips on youtube.  Those always make me laugh.

But lately, because of creating, I've been thinking and responding more than usual to emotions.  Which would normally cause me to get the hell out of dodge.  Some days I'm so thankful that I have to wear a mask while I work.  But I'm finding that just because I create a piece that's about a certain someone or event, it does not necessarily mean that the feelings I have about them become resolved.  Instead, they just seem to surface and I walk around with what feels like an elephant on my chest.  I have been disappointed by this.  I thought that I'd create a piece and everything I felt about the inspiration would stick to the sculpture like welding tacks and leave me feeling cathartic.  So why hasn't it? 

I wonder if time has not allowed me to attach the thoughts and memories with every piece.  It's almost as if the connection is there while I'm working on it but when I finish I can look at it and feel nothing.  Again, disappointment.  Maybe that's how musicians feel after they perform their own music.  Maybe it's not about the final outcome of the song, maybe it's about created it and performing.  Although I feel disappointed, the process of giving one hundred percent can become so wonderfully engaging and liberating that it's pure pleasure.  That it's the most honest thing I can do.  Even when I put on dark glasses, I still find that I'm content just to be there.

This is all very Dear Diary to bring up- see how I'm changing? Eh.- but I just wonder if other artists have felt the same way.  I've heard people joke about how dating an artist is good because they aren't usually repressed.  I've found that the more of myself I put into a piece, the better it tends to be. This has been a great transformation, going from assignments and doing work just to make a grade to actually caring for each piece like a mother cares for a child.  But when it's finished, why do I still feel insatiable?